Okay, let’s start off with full disclosure. I own guns. I’m retired military, an ex-cop, and a disabled combat veteran. So yes, I own guns. If there’s a research project out there that produced a bell-shaped curve labeled “People Most Likely To Own Guns”, I’d be pretty much right in the middle of that fucking curve.
I am clearly compensating for something
I own a Smith and Wesson .22 caliber pistol for target practice, because .22 caliber ammunition is only slightly more expensive than raindrops. I own a 9mm Glock 19 for concealed carry, because while a .22 caliber round can kill an attacker, it’s probably not going to get the job done right away and they’re going to be royally pissed off and looking for payback after you shoot them. Trust me on this one.
I own a single-action Ruger Blackhawk revolver in .357 Magnum and a Marlin Model 1894C lever action rifle, also in .357 Magnum, because I watched too many westerns in my youth. Hey, don’t blame me. This was back when all you had to choose from on the television was ABC, CBS, NBC, PBS, and whatever local channel that was offered. In Denver it was Channel 2. They showed black and white monster movies from the 1950’s at 10:30 on Friday night, and westerns all day on Saturday. When it came to TV choices, my childhood was the equivalent to getting a handjob from a hooker wearing a rubber glove, who stopped right before you were about to explode and demanded another twenty bucks before she’d continue. Not that I know anything about that…
She also charged extra for more lube
So yes, I own guns, and I am also painfully aware that there is a huge schism in this country. On one side is the people who want to carry their guns openly into the supermarket when they’re stopping by to get a gallon of milk, butter, and a pack of Kraft America Cheese. ( Because you never know when some junkie is going to stop you in the middle of the dairy aisle and demand your Kraft cheese. Do you have any idea how many rocks of crack you can get for Kraft cheese?)
On the other side is the people who ban all guns from the earth. And the universe. Then they want to ban all movies with guns. And the ability to make a fucking pretend gun with your thumb and index finger and point it at someone and say “bang”. And all pictures of guns. And all pictures of gun-shaped objects. If you ever looked up at a cloud and thought “that fucking cloud looks just like Model 1911 .45 caliber pistol”, they want to ban that cloud. And then ban you for having the kind of warped mind that associates a fluffy white cloud with a gun.
The one thing these two sides have in common is that neither one is willing to listen to the other. It’s better to stick their fingers in their ears and sing “la-la-la-la, I can’t hear you!” Seriously, if you took a room with two chairs and locked a gun control advocate and a gun rights advocate inside it for an hour, at the end of the hour you’d open the door to find the gun control advocate had taken his fucking chair and beaten the gun rights advocate to death with it, because the room was a gun free zone and the gun control advocate figured he’d never get a better chance.
Either way, the fact that neither side will listen to the other means there are endless arguments going on that could be quickly resolved if each side would just listen for a minute. I’m not saying the whole gun debate will go away, but at the very fucking least they’d find different arguments
- The government is going to come and confiscate all my guns!
Gun rights advocates drag this one out more than parents drag out Santa Claus on December 25th to explain how all those presents got under the tree. Police and government agents are going to knock down your door, take all your guns and ammunition, kick your dog, impregnate your daughter, and probably piss in the potted plants on the way out the door.
The British are coming again, guv’nor!
No. They. Aren’t. This kind of talk always crops up after some politician mentions Australia’s gun confiscation program. Problem: The U.S. of A ain’t fucking Australia. This subject has been brought up before, and what the people pushing this as part of the pro-gun agenda don’t realize is that it ain’t gonna happen. The politicians in Washington know that enforcing gun confiscation is literally impossible, most of the Southern and Western states will not go along (and Texas WILL secede, you can count on it), and police agencies throughout the country will simply refuse to cooperate, and many will arrest any federal agents who even try to enforce it. Hell, multiple sheriffs and police chiefs have gone on record as stating they’ve told their officers not to even bother enforcing most of the recent and much less extreme gun laws that have been passed. Something like this is seriously regarded as a key flashpoint for another Civil War. Thinking that the U.S. Armed Forces will do what the cops won’t, and come by your house to take your guns? Think again. The number of legal hurdles you’d have to jump through to give the military that authority is endless. To take it one step further, most if not all of the military won’t go along anyway. So you paranoid gun owners can put this argument down and step away from it.
Eat something, instead. I am totally not thinking about guns right now.
2. All our new gun laws are working! We’ve made it harder for people to get guns!
No. You. Haven’t. Gun sales are through the roof. Gun factories cannot keep up with demand. People who own gun stores say that Barack and the democrats are the best salesmen they’ve ever had. More states pushing back against what they view as federal overreach by passing laws making gun ownership less complicated and concealed carry permits easier to get. Sure, there are some states like Maryland, California, and New Jersey that are so insane that they don’t even like police officers from out of state carrying guns, but once you get away from those states you need to understand that gun ownership is the norm.
But shit like this will get you arrested
- You don’t need an assault rifle with a 30 round magazine for hunting!
Dig the wax out of your ears and listen to me for a second. The 2nd Amendment is not about hunting. It’s got nothing to do with hunting. The Founding Fathers did not have hunting on their minds at all when they wrote the Constitution. The 2nd Amendment is about an armed and ready population being the last line of defense against a tyrannical government. Hunting does not enter into the mix at all and WHY DON’T YOU GET WHAT I’M TELLING YOU FOR FUCK’S SAKE! WHAT PART OF IT DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND, SHIT-FOR-BRAINS!
Nope, not one word in here about hunting.
- My assault rifle with a 30 round magazine is for hunting!
Actually, I couldn’t disagree more. If you’re such a lousy shot you need a 30 round magazine to be sure of hitting a deer, you shouldn’t even be holding a gun in the first place. A good hunter prides themselves on getting that kill with the first shot, and will often pass up a shot that they are not completely sure of and choose instead to go home empty-handed. My Glock has a ten-round magazine, and I never carry a spare magazine because I can’t imagine any situation where I’m going to need it. Leave the military grade assault rifles in the hands of the military, where they belong. If you really want to prove something, go hunting with a muzzle-loader that takes five minutes to reload. I bet you won’t take any shot that you’re not absolutely sure of then, asshole.
Are you sure about this? I can cover the ground between us a hell of a lot faster than you can reload
- But celebrity/wealthy businessman/politician is trying to take away my guns!
The problem is the classic “do as I say, not as I do.” Certain people like to lecture us on reducing our carbon signature, while these same people fly on private jets that belch out tons of pollutants, travel with entourages that take up several gas-guzzling SUV’s, and maintain multiple houses (in gated communities) that are so large the heating and cooling bill each month is larger than most other people’s mortgage payment. These fine folk also tell us we need to get rid of our guns and that the 2nd Amendment is an outdated relic from another era.
They also never go anywhere without an armed security force.
I don’t have a gun! Everyone on my Secret Service detail does, but that’s not the point
Okay, I understand that those who live in palaces have no clue what it’s like in the trenches.
Fuck every last one of them.
If you’re an actor or an actress, please don’t tell us to give up our guns when your last movie saw more shots fired than the Battle of the Bulge. I understand that it’s all fantasy and you’re just playing a role, but you can’t sell the fantasy and then indulge your celebrity to further your opposite ideology in the real world. Not while maintaining any credibility with people who don’t see it your way. Sean Penn learned this when he spoke out against guns, at the same time the gunplay-filled trailer for his latest movie was making the rounds.
If you’re a politician surrounded by taxpayer funded bodyguards, get rid of them all and go around defenseless just like the rest of us. I promise I’ll listen more closely when you do. Ditto if you are a wealthy businessman with your own private security force.
You want to lecture me and tell me to give up my guns? As I said, I’m a retired military officer with a 25 year career, a disabled combat veteran, an ex-cop, and I have no criminal record whatsoever. But you want to tell me to turn in my guns because I should not have them? That’s perfectly fine. I totally understand. I’ll be happy to do it.
You. First.
Still waiting…
Bottom line, it’s easy for someone who pays other people to make certain that they’re safe to forget that the rest of us don’t have the luxury.
- But celebrity/wealthy businessman/politician says we need more gun control!
Well, it is a point worth debating, and they are certainly entitled to their opinion. Just because I don’t necessarily agree with them doesn’t mean that I’m automatically right and they’re wrong. They just need to develop some self-awareness and not pontificate on gun control while surrounded by an armed contingent. Or at a red carpet event where there’s roughly three hundred police officers providing security. I mean, I don’t have a problem with background checks, mandatory gun safety courses for anyone applying for a concealed carry permit, waiting periods before being allowed to take possession of a gun after the sale is complete, etc. I mean, it wasn’t all that long ago that we did not have any of these rules, and that wasn’t a good thing. For shit’s sake, you used to be able to buy a Goddamn Springfield .30-06 bolt action rifle right out of the Goddamn Sears Christmas catalog, and have it delivered right to your door without anyone looking at your ID or even doing a background check. What, did Santa and his reindeer need some suppressing fire while coming in for a landing?
So we should all dial down the rhetoric and accept the fact that a solid middle ground on this issue is going to take a hell of a lot of effort by both sides to reach. Maybe, just maybe, if we could stop all these knee-jerk arguments we could get there. And both sides need to take a deep breath and listen.
The View From The Trenches 